Looking for you is like looking for water in the desert, like looking for the sun in the deep depths of the sea. I don’t know why I ran after you because every time I did, I was setting myself up for pain, disappointment and more pain.
I’ve finally made the decision, to stop looking for you, and I’ve decided to stop sitting and waiting for you to come back to me one day. I’ve decided to forget everything, including you…
Holding on to you was like holding on to something that was never mine, to begin with, something I was never sure of, something that kept me for years and years without any promise of love or commitment or happiness? The time has finally arrived that I start thinking about myself now. Maybe it’s easier for us both to set you free and have you live your life without any meddling from me. Without interference, without questions, without expectations.
I have to begin carrying on with a more joyful life, a more tranquil life, an existence that satisfies me. Picking this new life may end the likelihood of getting butterflies in my stomach each time I see you drawing close, the possibility of feeling my heart beat quicker every time you look profound at me, and the likelihood of my knees getting powerless each time I feel your skin on mine. In any case, it will likewise end the chances of feeling hurt and broken each time you neglect to text or call, each time you wind up discarding plans with me for a night out with the guys, and each time you treat me like I’m only an option for you.
I’m not saying that being with you was an endless series of sorrow, distress, and bad for me. We had some good days, but for some reason, they never outshone the bad. We cried more than we laughed and that was the tragedy we were in. I shared my stories about my life, but I guess you never really were interested in them. The nights we shared were passionate but maybe the nights you shared with the other girls you had met in your life were more passionate.
Our relationship was like a rollercoaster. Sometimes it went up, and we were on top of the world, and sometimes we went down and felt as if we have just to get away somehow. It was a big mess with some beauty in between. I’ll miss this clutter that we called a relationship. It was fun while it lasted and I don’t regret it. But there’s nothing we can do now. The stars have interfered, and they’ve pulled us too far apart ever to be together again. It’s time we think about moving forward.
If moving forward means to forget the past, then I am willing to do forget you and everything we had. I am willing so that I can live a better life for myself. If not seeing you in the vulnerable state I am in now will give me the strength to grow into a stronger woman after my fragility, then I have no problems telling you I never want to see you again.
I want to be the strong woman my mother was and who I always wanted to be.
I want to spend my time wisely, and meet people, friends, family, and new lovers later on who would treat me the way I deserve to be treated.
I remember our tears, and our struggles, more than you probably do. I remember when we stayed up all night just to talk to each other and tell each other things about us which we hadn’t told people before. I remembered what we’d promised we’d do together and what our dreams were going to be. I remember where we had decided to live and what we’d decided to do. I remember a future that we were never destined to have. They’re just that now: memories. We can’t dwell on them any longer. We have to look ahead. We have to do what we can alone now, or with other people. But we have to do it.
“But things are different. There’s no ‘us’ anymore. It’s only you and only me from now. I’ve decided to stop running after you, but I won’t ever stop loving you. You’ve left your mark on me. You’ve occupied a space in my heart that no one can ever replace.”
“I will love you forever. I will love you for being the person who truly changed me, the person who gave me the courage to be better than who I was before, a person who taught me to love myself first. I will love you for the friendship we shared, the laughs we had, and the love you once gave me. And I will love you for all the lessons you taught me about this cruel life.”
